I just returned from Shabbos dinner at a kibbutz just about 40 minutes outside of Jerusalem. There is an amazing program there in which Jewish educators connect the values and lessons of Judaism to the important connect to the earth and land of Israel. There is this amazing Garden of Eden that is flowing with olive, fig, date, apple, lemon and almond trees. There are grapevines covering the Sukkah, the amphitheatre to greet Shabbat and there lives incredible art...biblical animals, mosaic tiles, a Bet Knesset and a playground that were all made by various groups that have come to Kibbutz Gezer over the 15 years or so that the project has been going on. Tonight I was able to see the Gazelle and the seder plate that I actually worked on when I stayed on the kibbutz on one of those programs in 1996. We had services and then dinner under the stars and it truly was a taste of Eden.
So, this week marks the completion of my first week of my first semester as a rabbinical student. The days are long and the classes are challenging and I know that although I often come home drained and with more questions than I have answers I am in exactly the place that I should be. As we work our way up to the high holidays we blow the shofar at our morning shacharit service and it is clear that the days in which we enter a new spiritual year is upon us.
Today I can't help but think about the 'Book of Life' and this notion that at this time of year the decision will be made as to who will live and who will die. I've always thought that this tradition seems a bit silly to me, almost like Santa Claus being able to go down the chimney of every home in the world in just one night so that the next morning every child will have been visited by this one man. Now, I don't venture to put the fantasy figure of Santa Claus and God, which in some divine and probably natural notion does really exist to me, but this concept of one moment in which all for the year ahead is set is leaves me a bit curious. How does one decide who will live and who will die? And, is all life really in the hands of God or, in some cases, does God intend for some to live who end up not making it into another year?
In my liturgy class this week we were instructed that our culminating project of this year will be to take and to research an area of traditional liturgy and offer an alternative or additional component based on the needs of our people and our time. In the past students have created a service for a newly divorced person, introduced new prayers for the new months, an adult b'nai mitzvah etc. My plan is to take the mourner's kaddish and to create an additional prayer that may be said when a death is premature and harder to explain and also to create a prayer for those left behind when a death that is premature may involve increased feelings of anger, guilt and open ended questions (youth illness, fatal car accident, suicide). I'm not sure I would have decided on a topic for a paper that is due in April this early in the year, but the topic is on my mind.
In the last two months I have heard of three people whom God may have intended to move into the next year and will not be going into the guestbook for the upcoming year. There are three people who were unable to find their place in this world and through their suffucating in this life have now moved onto the next. Each case is its own. It doesn't matter that none of the three are at the most intimate circles of my own life. I still find myself left with so many quesitons, and even anger, that anyone's world on this earth could get so difficult that one feels as if there is no other option but to take their own life. I think back to the Book of Lifeand I can't help but wonder...does God write those into the book and they take themselves out of it or does this notion of who shall live and who shall die include premature death and suicide?
When I interviewed for my program I was asked why I wanted to be a Rabbi and one of the answers I offered was that very few people get to be let in when others are blocked out. A Rabbi is given the awesome opportunity to be side by side with people when they are at the absolute highest and lowest moments in their lives. The work place for a Rabbi is not one in which we are required to keep our emotions out of our jobs, but rather we are challenged to be able to bring our emotional availability and empathy to our positions and to the people we work with. So, what does a Rabbinical student say to a friend who just lost a family members to suicide or hears from a friend that a person they both knew in another time and place became so destructive and lost control that they pushed their body too far and it could not keep up? What do you say when a classmates student, no more than 16 years old, decides this life is to hard to live in before real life has even really begun? I think right now, you admit that there are still very few words to say to someone to try and put such a devestating situation into a place where it makes sense.
I'm interested in this Book of Life and I'm also interested in trying to figure out where it goes wrong. We all have our moments where life seems to bog us down. We'll never be able to keep treading water and we are left with little certainty that things will come together. Someone we love does not love us. A series of events all end up the worst way they possibly can and it looks like grey clouds are destined to float above our head. We cry for days and don't know what is wrong and why we can't stop. I bet there is no one who reads this who can't think of a time they've been in this place. But, they are alive and reading this. So, what's the difference between a person who gets lost in a dark place and finds their way out and person who gets so lost and alone and they hurt so much that their only escape is to cut their time short? I don't think I have any answers and I know that this is unfortunately something that I will encounter in my future.
I'm reading a book right now that offers the notion that if all that God created was good than from where does the notion of evil and not good come? Did God create a man that has the autonomy to make decisions with both good and bad results? I think of all the powers of choice that we have on a daily basis, a global basis and an individual basis. I think about the relationship that we have with ourselves and eachother and God, however present or astranged it may be. The book offers the notion that we are actually presented with the power of choice and the presence of the divine is the reward that comes when we are presented with a challenge and we choose to rise to the challenge in light of the level of difficulty. Perhaps we are tempted by what's in front of us and it seems impossible to turn our head to that temptation but if we do rise to do the right thing, even when it is the more difficult, we are left feeling the confidance that it is possible to make decisions and live in a good light. And, our light continues to grow as we move forward and feed that light.
I am brought back to the question about how do I offer these thoughts to people moving forward and as I grow into my role as a spiritual guide. How do I work to ask the questions about what is the difference between living a life with kavenah (intention) or just letting life flow through you and not swimming with it. I know God is a touchy subject for so many people and believe me, I wrestle with what my God looks like daily. I think of how to have the conversation with people about if a God presence really is important and if it really matters that we have a realm of spiritual connection in our lives. After all, aren't there just so many other things that consume our time? But, then I think of that person in a dark place and I wonder if God could have been there? I don't know if God is more than light, love and spirit, but even if the Divine is just that, would it be enough to offer a person in the lowest of places the slightest bit of strength that maybe they could rise to the challenge and get to a place where they might be able to feel the reward in having found value in life at even the darkest moments.
So, the Book of Life and moving into light stick with me on this Shabbat. I wish it were as easy to feel a taste of Eden in our daily lives without having to go to some kibbutz in Tel Gezer where you can pick the figs off the trees and taste their sweetness. It would be beautiful if there were always the opportunity to sit under the full moon, as the fall harvest is upon us, and to sing and pray with eachother for peace and for moving towards light. But, I come home and I am reminded that with light there is always the contrast of dark and both can be contagious. I don't know if I would rather that God is aware that those not written into the Book of Life include premature death or be left to understand that those who choose death over life is solely within the power of the human being.
As I finish my thoughts and realize that this is not the most uplifting piece I've written, I have to say that I hope that the sad moments in our lives can fuel our kavenah to live our days to the fullest and to always embrace that one thing is for certain...they are limited. We have but a brief amount of time to walk this land, we should try to live our lives in the Eden's that we create, being the presence of those we love, being connected to the land and not taking any moment for granted that it can be lived in light.
Shabbat Shalom.
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