i was walking home tonight and all i could think about was my friend in the mountains who might have a few thoughts to bounce of my own, a world away.
we're at war.
war SUCKS!
why is there war in this world?
why do people really believe that it is better to die than to live amongst people who share different values, opinions, gods?
i'm so homesick these days and yet I would not leave my post here as eyewitness to all that is beautiful and vulnerable in life here in Jerusalem.
people hate and people fight and it weighs on my heart to know that my god, my jah, would never wish such hatred or violence on anyone while my neighbors feel like their god says that anyone who does not abide by his dogma/doctrine/laws does not deserve the breath of life. where is the love?!
so, we're in the second MONTH of war. israel promises to step up the pressure. syria is handing weapons to the 'underdog.' the terrorists are all talking behind closed doors about how to create even more uncertainty and vulnerability and i wonder when it will end...and what an 'end' means when people want such different things.i wonder.
isn't life supposed to be about beauty, about love? about taking care of one another?
i'm here almost two months...not quite. i'm starting to study to be a person who people will turn to with questions that I realize i am even further from answeres than i was when i stepped off the plane. this is the journey, right? this is the quest...to find some sort of peace and solice in a chaotic world?
i sometimes wish for the couch and comfortable space with friends at home. better to escape these crazy times than stare them in the face. and what do i do? i stare them in the face. i study with helicopters overhead wondering whether they are thwarting a possible suicide bomber or responding to some terrible success that might leave people hurt or even dead. i study with people...some of whom will make phenomenal leaders in this world int he future...some of whom i wonder why they want to lead other people when they walk around with a chip on their shoulder or a vendetta for those who are not likeminded...why don't people dance with diversity? why are there so many cowards who can only be with those who are likeminded...small minded?
i wonder about jah...peace, love, harmony...MUSIC. why would anyone choose a god of violent nature and one concrete path when we could be dancing in the face ofdiversity? am i an optimist doomed to fail because i believe that this world could shine it's light rather than suffocate its fire and explode?
i wonder..i spend so many minutes wondering. i wonder about why we try to fool ourselves by constructing barriers to make our lives feel more secure than they really are. i wonder why we turn to the news and to commercialism, and personal gain when we could all just give a little more of ourselve and actually live life where everyone benefits.
my soul is heavy these days, but i am continually inspired. i wonder what tomorrow looks like, next week, my return after a year of TOTAL shock and chaos...i wonder if the fighting will linger, stop or just quiet for a little bit of time before the next hit is harder and stronger. i want to reason, i want to dialogue, i want to dance...and the people i want to do that with most want me dead. how do we shine through?
i sit quietly with my thoughts, because they are the best friend i have right now. my thoughts are distant from the funk box and they are distant from friends who i know live their life in light of music and community, just as do i. my thoughts feel alien to that, yet i yearn for it...i long for it...i wish i were there right now...but i know it is not my place to me...i'm here...i'm in the middle of war...people are dying, people are waiting to hear from loved ones, people that were optimistic a month ago that this would be quick, see it getting worse before it gets better. i continue to try and find optimism..i wonder if optimism has a shelf life?
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